yesterday i saw joel (my therapist). we talked about alot of things and finally he seemed very uncomfortable and said that i was scaring him. he gave me 10 dollars and told me that i had to promise to go to the store, find something i like with at least 30 grams of fat in it, and eat it with my meds. This promise was in return for him not putting me into the hospital right then and there. he thinks i'm not eating enough fat with my meds and that i skip eating sometimes altogether. he said that makes the levels of the antipsychotics in my blood fluctuate and leads to psychotic thinking and hospital stays. he said he was very concerned that i'm being hyper religious which is a common trait of schizophrenia. he also was disturbed that i said that maybe God made me able to see demons because i'm meant to fight and kill them. that the voices often tell me to kill mike because he is a demon. then we talked some more about cannibalism and why i can't get my mind off that. then i suggested that if God's will can't be subverted by mere humans, then serial killers are actually doing the work of God. he said nobody knows the truth about God and i said that i did. and he said but you can't know and i said yes i can. and he said that everybody thinks they are right about God. and i said that's true but that's different because they are wrong. i had written an email to my rabbi asking about cannibalism in the Bible and the will of God and serial killers, etc... Joel read it and said that it was 45% psychosis talking but it's intertwined so much with valid religious beliefs that it's hard to make a distinction. he said i should send the email and wanted to call my rabbi right then to ask him so that the questions would not continue to drive me insane. i wouldn't give him the number to my rabbi but i did send the email today and both rabbi loren and rabbi glenn were very kind, answered my questions and told me that i shouldn't be afraid to ask questions, even disturbing ones and that if i'm ever way far off that they would tell me and wouldn't it be a good thing to know when i'm being way off? Then they both gave me their home phone numbers and said Joel can call them any time, as can i. i'm really blessed to have two such great teachers. i respect them deeply and i was worried i would offend them somehow with my questions. so now i know i can ask anything. i want to know God. i want to know if He tells every seed when to burst open and push toward the sunlight and blossom... every blade of grass every tree every leaf every ant every cat every dog every swimming thing and crawly thing and everything. or did He just set creation in motion and let's nature continue the process on it's own. sometimes i feel God's presence so close i feel like i'm going to faint. other times He seems so far away. i told joel that God is violent. He's deeply loving too but He can certainly be violent when His wrath is invoked. read the Bible... read the old testament! of course God can be violent and bloodthirsty but He is holy and He reigns over all things. i know that He uses evil for good sometimes too. like that time 2 years ago on May 8th.. when Anne would have turned 16 years old. i was going to kill myself in the cemetary. i had a black bag on my passenger seat and in it was my razors, a box of kleenex, and my psychiatrist's business cards. when i was ready to do it suddenly a guy appeared out of nowhere and smashed a rock through my passenger window and grabbed the bag and ran off. Needless to say I did not kill myself that day and that it was Divine intervention. God used a thief...to save me. so God uses evil for good sometimes. God loves me....even when noone else does.