Roen

Becky

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 23:06:29 +0000

Well this weekend I get to meet Becky. When my sister was 17 years old she had a baby she named Jessica and gave her up for adoption. I remember the whole family crying, including my dad and I can count on 3 fingers the number of times I've seen my dad cry. Well that was 22 years ago and guess who has popped back into our lives? You got it.. Jessica!!! Her adoptive family named her Rebecca and call her Becky so I have to remember that and not call her Jessica when I meet her. We're having an early Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday the 4th so she's going to be there. My dad and mom (Gail) have already met her and Kristine, my sister (her mother) and she have been inseparable. They even took a trip to las vegas together. She lives about an hour or so away so I haven't gotten to meet her yet.

I'm BAAAACK

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 00:37:16 +0000

hello to all my non existant readers. I know you have been sitting on the edge of your chair waiting for me to pop up again with my pearls of wisdom and witty anachronisms.

Continuing the saga of "Fun with Schizophrenia" I have to say I really bit it big time a short while ago. I heard Anne talking to me and she said that God was taking pity on me and if i got a doll she would send her spirit into it and it would come alive and i would be able to hold and rock her for real! Needless to say I was overjoyed and happily emailed my rabbis and Joel and others to give the good news. Joel told me not to get a doll because it was psychotic and if i indulged the psychosis i may get worse and worse and never come out of it. my rabbis said the voice was not Anne and this was not from God. That it was a demon trying to get me to go against God's Word because He forbids us to contact the dead. They said that if i got a doll and let that spirit go into it i would just get worse and worse and would fall under demonic influence. Ken said it was a bad idea too. He didn't want to see me in the hospital again. and that's where i was headed. i trust these people so i had to finally concede and not get a doll. i still want to but part of me knows it's best not to. i was devastated though. i was so happy that Anne had spoken to me... and then to find out it wasn't Anne speaking to me. i was heartbroken and fell into deep depression. Anyway i'm ok now and still working things out. more later... remind me to tell you about Becky.

Ok here it goes

Wed, 02 May 2007 04:25:49 +0000

yesterday i saw joel (my therapist). we talked about alot of things and finally he seemed very uncomfortable and said that i was scaring him. he gave me 10 dollars and told me that i had to promise to go to the store, find something i like with at least 30 grams of fat in it, and eat it with my meds. This promise was in return for him not putting me into the hospital right then and there. he thinks i'm not eating enough fat with my meds and that i skip eating sometimes altogether. he said that makes the levels of the antipsychotics in my blood fluctuate and leads to psychotic thinking and hospital stays. he said he was very concerned that i'm being hyper religious which is a common trait of schizophrenia. he also was disturbed that i said that maybe God made me able to see demons because i'm meant to fight and kill them. that the voices often tell me to kill mike because he is a demon. then we talked some more about cannibalism and why i can't get my mind off that. then i suggested that if God's will can't be subverted by mere humans, then serial killers are actually doing the work of God. he said nobody knows the truth about God and i said that i did. and he said but you can't know and i said yes i can. and he said that everybody thinks they are right about God. and i said that's true but that's different because they are wrong. i had written an email to my rabbi asking about cannibalism in the Bible and the will of God and serial killers, etc... Joel read it and said that it was 45% psychosis talking but it's intertwined so much with valid religious beliefs that it's hard to make a distinction. he said i should send the email and wanted to call my rabbi right then to ask him so that the questions would not continue to drive me insane. i wouldn't give him the number to my rabbi but i did send the email today and both rabbi loren and rabbi glenn were very kind, answered my questions and told me that i shouldn't be afraid to ask questions, even disturbing ones and that if i'm ever way far off that they would tell me and wouldn't it be a good thing to know when i'm being way off? Then they both gave me their home phone numbers and said Joel can call them any time, as can i. i'm really blessed to have two such great teachers. i respect them deeply and i was worried i would offend them somehow with my questions. so now i know i can ask anything. i want to know God. i want to know if He tells every seed when to burst open and push toward the sunlight and blossom... every blade of grass every tree every leaf every ant every cat every dog every swimming thing and crawly thing and everything. or did He just set creation in motion and let's nature continue the process on it's own. sometimes i feel God's presence so close i feel like i'm going to faint. other times He seems so far away. i told joel that God is violent. He's deeply loving too but He can certainly be violent when His wrath is invoked. read the Bible... read the old testament! of course God can be violent and bloodthirsty but He is holy and He reigns over all things. i know that He uses evil for good sometimes too. like that time 2 years ago on May 8th.. when Anne would have turned 16 years old. i was going to kill myself in the cemetary. i had a black bag on my passenger seat and in it was my razors, a box of kleenex, and my psychiatrist's business cards. when i was ready to do it suddenly a guy appeared out of nowhere and smashed a rock through my passenger window and grabbed the bag and ran off. Needless to say I did not kill myself that day and that it was Divine intervention. God used a thief...to save me. so God uses evil for good sometimes. God loves me....even when noone else does.

3 more pounds...

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 02:44:14 +0000

that's forty pounds lost. i'm now under 200 for the first time in about 3 years. i'm now 197 and going down

37 pounds lost and counting

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 00:34:04 +0000

and counting
and counting
and counting
and counting

30!!! (THIRTY)

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 21:43:05 +0000

Three-Zero... that's 30 THIRTY pounds! WOOOOO HOOOOO! I'm on a roll. I can do this. I'm practically killing myself with exercise but I'M DOING IT!!!

30303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030

2 more pounds

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 23:54:21 +0000

I've now lost 29 pounds... !!!

2 More Pounds!

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 22:26:22 +0000

That means i've lost 27 pounds so far. woo hoo!

25 pounds!

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:46:45 +0000

Lost 2 more pounds! Now i'm onto my next short term goal of 13 pounds!

Another one (finally)

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:22:20 +0000

That's 23 pounds gone.